Way before we even became pregnant, Keenan and I decided that we were going to strive towards having as natural of a birth for Amelia as possible. No pain relievers. Nothing to spur on labor. Putting our complete trust in Gods timing and design for birth. So I bought books and read articles and spoke with other moms that had delivered naturally. We went with a midwife group and hired a doula. We also took birthing classes that focused on natural delivery. I didn't have any caffeine during pregnancy (OK maybe some chocolate here and there). I took the prenatal. I took walks. I was doing hip-sways daily. I prayed; preparing myself physically and mentally. By 32 weeks into the pregnancy (or maybe even earlier) I was very ready and prepared to deliver this baby completely natural.
At my 32 week appointment it was just going to be another normal visit. Heartbeat :check: "Any bleeding or swelling?" :nope- other than my already hobbit feet are turning into ogre feet: Then she was feeling my belly. There were two large "bulges", One at the top of my belly (which I assumed was her butt) and one at the bottom (which I assumed was her head). My midwife didn't think so. She started throwing at me the "B" word...what every woman who wants to deliver natural does not want to hear... "BREECH".
The next week I came in because we wanted to be sure she wasn't breech. She did the scan with the OB in the room to confirm and sure enough Miss Milly was not in head down position. So I spoke with my doula (who was amazing!) and started doing everything I possibly could to get her to flip. I continued the hip-sways, did inversions on the stairs at home, handstands in the pool, even went as far as seeing a chiropractor about 2-3 times a week who specialized in pregnant women who had breech babies. By the 38 week appointment she had still not flipped. Then the midwife and the OB brought up another "bad word"... C-Section.
This is NOT what I had been planning for. Spent all my time doing EVERYTHING right to have a natural birth. I was so ready to experience the immense joy that would come with the immense pain of childbirth. {pause- I want to say that there is NOTHING wrong with having a C-Section. I know a lot of women choose to deliver that way. It is not what I had wanted for myself though} The OB and Midwife explained that they would attempt to flip her by basically pushing on my belly and getting her to turn. If that didn't work then they would have to perform the C-Section the same day. So on the morning of March 31, 2014, We headed to the hospital.
I got myself checked in and they hooked me up to the monitors and stabbed me in the arm with the most gigantic needle in the world! The OB that was supposed to be there to perform the C-Section (whom I had only met twice) had yet another family emergency and wasn't going to be there. So to add to all the stress and fear I was already experiencing, I find out someone who I have never met is going to potentially cut me open (not very comforting). I was trying very hard at this point to be hopeful but was failing. After meeting with the new OB (who it turns out was so great and I liked her even more than the other OB) she explained she had an already schedule c-section and then I'd be "next". So we waited. Luckily Keenan had his GO PRO with him and that kept us entertained for a while. My Doula and my parents took turns coming into the room to check on me. Finally it was our time. They explained what was going to happen and then had me repeat it back to them and write it down so that they knew I completely understood what was about to happen.
They wheeled me down the hall and paused at a waiting room where they told Keenan to get dressed in a hazmat suit (just kidding. but that's really what it looked like). They continued on to a very large, clean, bright, white room. Machines and people were everywhere. I was starting to get very nervous and asked for Keenan several times. Luckily everyone was extremely nice and relaxed and they had the radio playing so that calmed me down instantly. They stuck a needle in my back and suddenly I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. My husband, Midwife, and OB came into the room and explained again what was going to happen. They put a crap ton of jelly on my stomach and started to push. They did this for about 5 minutes. They really did try so hard to get Amelia to turn but her head wouldn't move past my left rib-cage. Time to cut me open. The surgery itself was SO quick! I couldn't feel a thing. Keenan was by my side whispering so many encouraging things. He knew how much i had NOT wanted this. Finally, she was out. I heard her crying and it instantly brought me to tears. They lifted her up for me to see over the curtain but all I could make out was her little foot because the tears were blocking my sight. Keenan said she was so cute and I knew it (she is her fathers daughter after all). While they were stitching me up (which actually took forever) they were cleaning her off. Amelia was born on March 31, 2014 at 11:10 am. She weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She had a huge noggin! No wonder she couldn't flip. At that point it didn't matter how she came into the world. The only thing that mattered to us was that she was finally here.
Having a cesarean is the easy part. Its the recovery that is a !*@#$. I will say I went through a pretty rough patch after coming home form the hospital. I was in a way mourning my birth experience. My hopes and dreams of delivering her naturally had died very quickly and un-expectantly. It also took me a while to get used to Amelia being around. I will be very honest and say there were times that I would think "who is this baby and when is it going to be just me and Keenan again?". Life was hard and I was confused and frustrated with God for putting me through all of this. I'm still trying to figure it out but I am SO much better than I was 6 weeks ago. I love Amelia so so much! Everyday she brings me so much joy and I am so thankful for her. She is the most adorable thing I have ever seen! I have a scar now (which is still numb) to remind me that I am not my own. I belong to someone who knows me in and out. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what is the best for me. Again, I am still wrestling with what happened but I am so thankful for it all and I am going to try and embrace my bodies "imperfections" as much as I can. I want my daughter to know that she is beautiful inside and out. I want to set an example and embrace the scars and stretch marks. I will save all that for another post. For now...
Life is good. God is good.
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